Red Sun Setting on Wood Chips
By William (January 9, 2006)
The settling sun gently scattered the last of his rays on the mountaintops. It cast the last of his rays on the spilt blood of the hamsters that fell defending their temple of old on the western slope of the mountain. They had failed. Now few of the ninja hamsters were left, and only one could be sent to avenge his comrades and honor his master. Only one hamster could be brave enough to save the magical item entrusted to the temple until the end of time. Only one could rescue the article taken in the battle before the injurious Jade. Only one could rescue the Leather Jacket of Good and Evil.
Unfortunately he was piddling on the carpet in the corner. His dead foster brothers and sisters were scattered around him. He had not a scratch on him, nor a single drop of blood spilt over his brown body. It was a pitiful situation to be in, for while others had died honorably in battle he had been cowardly and ran away. His first fault was running away, but that too would have been cowardly so then he searched for the closest cliff or freezing river to commit lemming suicide, but since there was none around, he did not. Oddly enough cliffs surrounded him, considering he was on a mountaintop it wasn't such an irregular idea, but he refused to admit that perfectly good cliffs to kill himself surrounded him. He wasn't a suicidal rodent after all. Since he could not be honorable and kick the proverbial hamster bucket.
"Asa!"
"Yes, honorable, Haruko."
Haruko was an elderly gerbil, who was a truly kind priest. His job was to wait on the Magnamous Yukio. His original brown fur poked in-between the splashes of gray fur, a sign of age. It was a wonder how he survived the fight, but he had the look of a past battle on him.
"Asa, the Magnamous Yukio wishes to see you."
More piddle formed puddles below Asa. Fortunately it was standard when one was expected to meet the Big Cheese. Whether it was do to fear or to excitement was up to anyone's guess. Whatever the stimuli Haruko ignored it out of politeness, except for the slight reaction of his nose wrinkling up at the smell of the acidic urine.
"Now, sir?" Asa meekly spoke.
"Immediately. Follow me."
The trip to visit the famous Magnamous was short. It only took a little while to scamper up the clear plastic tubing. His chamber was right at the top of the complex, and since the temple was at the top of the mountain, it made him the top vermin on the entire mountain slope. He was a young mouse with black fur and pink eyes. His coloring chose him to be the master of the temple since birth rather than actual leadership skills or spiritual expertise. Neither of which he had. Other than his awkward markings he could be instantly distinguished by the rather striking pink outfit wore by all the leaders of the temples.
“Oh great honorable Magnamous Yukio, I beg your pardon. I should have fallen with my honorable brothers and sisters rather than live to breathe another moment. If I have offended oh supreme grand ruler, oh big cheese of excellence, oh master of all that is furry and cute and hugable. …”
He would have wet himself again out of fear. It was not unknown for it to happen, but it was quite embarrassing to wet oneself in front of the Magnamous. The situation was probably as close to the equivalent of getting a foreign minister’s name wrong. Of course it was all rather embarrassing, but it did happen.
“… Please direct me to the nearest cliff where I can commit ceremonial lemming suicide and avenge the honor I have lost.”
It was standard procedure asking if the Magnamous preferred to him to commit suicide. One of those odd little rituals from long ago, and the reason long forgotten. Rarely this happened though.
“Whatever,” No ceremonial suicide today it seemed, “We have more urgent matters to attend to. The great and powerful Leather Jacket of Good and Evil, Light and Darkness, and …”
“Sir,” Haruko spoke up for the first time this meeting, “The name is rather long and we don’t have that much time.”
“Quite right, quite right. The Leather Jacket of many, many contrasting things has been stolen by Jade the Evil. You being the only one not killed or wounded in the fight must be a great fighter.”
This was trouble he had not expected. In fact it had thrown him so off guard that he forgot to rise. Now he must tell the truth and forego the humiliating punishment associated with these taboo situations. He had to admit the truth, and beg forgiveness.
“But sir. I did-”
“Yes it is amazing. You are an amazing hamster. Now don’t be modest, and accept this glorious and honor saving task.” Honor saving? Did they have an idea of what he had done? Asa doubted it, for the big wheel was rather an idiot in the long run. “Not that I think you will need it of course. You have been chose to retrieve the Leather Jacket of Good and Evil, Light …“
“Sir … We don’t have that much time. Please Sir, skip the formalities.” Haruko spoke up again. It seemed to be one of his functions, correcting the Magnamous.
“Right, right. Retrieve it before Jade figures it out.”
“Figures what out Sir.”
“Oh for the Lord’s sake get up Asa. You don’t need to bow like that.”
Getting up quickly Asa brushed the remaining wood chips from his coat, but kept his head down. The whole thing was going to be difficult, but he didn’t feel like he had a choice. There was so little time now, and he knew that this was the only way to get out of the situation alive. If he wished to see tomorrow that is.
Meanwhile the Magnamous Yukio was staring out of the clear plastic windows at the last rays of the setting sun. Sighing he turned to Asa.
“Jade the Evil has stolen the Leather Jacket.”
“Yes Magnamous, he knows. You just told him.” Haruko said again.
“Oh right,” the Magnamous Yukio said, “This jacket grants ultimate power to the user if he does the proper ritual involving a big horny goat, wood ch -”
“Sir!” Haruko yelled, astonished.
“I mean a long horned goat, wood chips, and a red setting sun.”
Magnamous Yukio was rather embarrassed, but Asa chose to ignore it.
“Anyway he can do whatever he, or in this case she, wants with it. She can conquer the whole world in a day. You don’t have time to dally. We shall transport you there immediately.”
“But Sir. Isn’t this a lot of trust to put on one little hamster?”
“Oh we’re bestowing you with The Nunchucks of P. Strength.”
“The Nunchucks, Sir!” Asa yelled. The look from Haruko nearly froze his bile, but it was quite an astonishing thing. The nunchucks were incredibly powerful and owned by the first Magnamous a very long time ago. It was quite an honor to be bestowed with them, for only the best of the best were allowed to wear them. They granted incredible strength of both the body and mind; unfortunately, they also made the user sing Carl Davis’, “Kung Fu Fighting.” That was perhaps the most annoying song in the entire country, but it worked in a pinch.
“Yes now go. Get into your uniform, and you shall get there rather quickly. You will use the ball. The dastardly Jade the Evil has her base on the other mountain.”
“The ball, Sir?” Asa had never heard of this before, which was odd.
“You’ll see,” Magnamous Yukio slyly said, “You’ll see. Get ready. Full ninja attire in five minutes. You have till the sun rises to get it back.”
The sound of Haruko laughing made him feel more nervous than the secretive way that Magnamous Yukio said that line. The laughter made him more nervous enough to scamper away twice as quick to get ready. Very nervous indeed, but what choice did he have?
* * *
“Madame Jade the ritual is nearly complete.” A lowly, raven-black rat spoke to the rather large cat. Jade was gray. Her fatness swung over her swaying back and forth when she walked, almost as a ship does on the open sea.
“Excellent,” she cackled her catch phrase, “My plans are nearly complete.”
Hobbling back to the throne made out of several different plastics, she stood up on her thrown. Her rather large belly hung over feet. Her servants, though they were more like slaves, attempted to smile. These poor rats were pathetic. Their little shackles shook while the peons tried to look happy for their hard-hearted mistress.
“Laugh with me my children.”
The crowd filled the air with a half-hearted, forced laugh. Jade, seeing that pathetic excuse, saw the pathetic attempt. “Perhaps I should eat another one of your children and then you will laugh yourself to tears.
A little blackbird was brought up to Jade the Evil. Her little beady eyes stared at the monstrous cat, who eyed her back with yellow eyes. With a piddling gulp the bird saw no more. The mother black bird burst into tears, and attempted to ram into the cat, but was pounced on by a ninja shrew. There was a sudden pop of the mother bird’s neck being snapped.
Jade laughed at the whole situation. “Laugh with me my children! For your children!”
The hall burst into sudden laughter. Everyone was laughing and crying. They had done what Jade had said, and laughed themselves to tears.
“Quite a show, no?” She directed that to the rat that had spoken to her moments ago.
“Yes madam.”
“Please call me Jade. Or your children’s screams will keep you up all night. We know how you must like your sleep.”
“But ma- madam I don’t ha-have a c- child.”
“Oh you don’t?”
Staring at the ceiling she shouted, “Kill him.”
Two ninja shrews fell from the ceiling killing him with a throwing star.
She stared into his burnished black eyes. “Then you are of no use to me.”
“What news of the Jacket?”
Another small varmint took the rat’s place. A small bat this time. “Well it is animate now.”
“Excellent. Take me to it.”
“At once your majesty.”
“Please call me Jade, but never jaded.” She laughed and the bat wisely chose to join her.
* * *
“Here we are Ma- Jade.” The bat wisely chose to use Jade rather than anything else.
“Excellent. That is all.”
The bat skedaddled away. Jade was left alone with the Jacket.
“Now tell me your secret.”
The jacket flew up into the air and began to form the letters using its arms and body as if it were spelling out the sentence letter by letter.
“The word ‘No’ formed immediately and the jacket fell to the ground. It could only be animated by voice command, but it was not incredibly cooperative. There was a plexi glass wall in-between Jade and the jacket, and that was the only thing stopping it from strangling the evil feline.
“That’s not very nice you know.” Jade was rather annoyed right now, but also quite amused. The thing shared her sense of humor and it was rare to come across such an extraordinary thing as that. Animated Leather Jackets were humdrum in comparison, and there was only one of those on the planet.
“How tiresome. I suppose I can’t kill your children.”
The jacket flared up again, and formed a rather ungracious symbol typically used with the center finger. Following which the jacket slammed into the plexi glass and fell to the floor.
“Thought so. We’ll see what happens my precious one. The sun shall rise and half the power has begun. Soon your power will be mine.”
A latch opened up over the leather jacket. A pile of wood chips fell and covered the floor. A glass roof covered the opening. The red sun would rise soon.
“Red sun setting on wood chips. Yes so soon. Finally I will find out the secrets of the universe … time, space, dimensions, and how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Soon it shall be mine.”
The glass shattered. A rather large hamster ball fell through it, and broke through the plexi glass. Jade lazily dodged the flying glass, and looked onto the ball. It was all very peculiar.
“EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING!” The battle cry sounded the alarm. The hamster ball broke open revealing a very proficient fighter wearing a white ninja outfit and wielding nunchucks. Danger danced in his eyes.
“THOSE CATS WERE FAST AS LIGHTING!” Sarcasm dripped from his tongue. He laughed seeing the apparent weight of the kitty. Grabbing the jacket he flung it over his shoulder. He flung the nunchucks at the kitten’s head, and the cat had passed on using all of her nine lives.
“IN FACT IT WAS A LITTLE BIT FRIGHTENING . . . BUT THEY DID IT WITH EXPERT TIMING.” The sun rose over the mountain. The red rays would have completely covered the jacket resting on the wood chips and the secrets reveled to the world.
“You are safe now.”
The jacket flew up showing the letters for ‘slave.’ Apparently it was animate. “Others shall come within the hours to free the slaves.” He mumbled to the jacket. You are safe thanks to the nunchucks. Not me.”
The jacket rose up again showing the letters ‘PLACEBO STRENGH NUNCHUCS.’